Looping
Listen, say back what you heard, and keep going until they say “Yes, exactly.”
What it is
Looping means listening, saying back what you think you heard, and asking if you got it right. If you missed something, they tell you, and you try again, until they say, “Yes, exactly.”
Why it works
Journalist Amanda Ripley writes about looping in her book High Conflict as a way of repeating back what you think you heard to check that you understood. It slows a conversation down, and it lets the other person feel heard, which is often what someone needs before they can hear you. Looping doesn't mean agreeing. It means showing that you listened.
How to do it
- Listen without planning your reply.
- Sum up what you heard, in your own words.
- Ask, “Did I get that right?”
- If they correct you, sum it up again with the new part.
- Share your own view only after they say you've got it.
See it in action
The setup: You're critical of Trump. Your dad supports him. At dinner, he starts talking about why. (An illustration, not real people.)
How it usually goes
Them: “For the first time in years, I feel like someone in Washington is actually fighting for people like me.”
He's telling you how he feels, not just what he thinks.
You: “Fighting for you? Come on, Dad. He doesn't care about people like you.”
This argues with his feelings. He'll hear it as “you're a fool.”
Them: “Oh, and I suppose you know better than me what I care about?”
Now he's defending his dignity, not his opinion. The conversation is over.
How it could go
Them: “For the first time in years, I feel like someone in Washington is actually fighting for people like me.”
The same starting point.
You: “So you've felt ignored for a long time, and now it feels like somebody's finally on your side. Is that right?”
You reflected the feeling without judging it, and checked.
Them: “Yeah. Nobody listened to guys like me for thirty years.”
He adds more. That's a sign he feels safe.
You: “Thirty years of feeling like nobody was listening. That sounds really frustrating.”
Another loop. You still haven't agreed with anything, and you don't have to.
Them: “It was. Anyway, what do you think?”
Once he felt heard, he asked for your view. Now you can share it.
Try it
In your next conversation about anything, even the weather, loop once: sum up what the person said and ask if you got it right.
These are conversation ideas, not therapy or professional advice. If a relationship involves threats, abuse, or fear for your safety, start here instead.