LAPP
Listen, Acknowledge, Pivot, Perspective: four steps for sharing your view without a fight.
What it is
LAPP stands for Listen, Acknowledge, Pivot, Perspective. It's a four-step way to share your own view without starting a fight, taught in Braver Angels workshops.
Why it works
Braver Angels brings people from different political sides together to talk. Its approach, as family therapist William Doherty describes it, is to Listen to understand, “not reload”; Acknowledge what you heard; Pivot only if it seems right to share your view; and then offer your Perspective if the other person is open to it. It also suggests “I” statements, like “This is how I see it,” rather than “How can you not see this?”
How to do it
- Listen: to understand, not to reload.
- Acknowledge: say back what you heard, and anything you agree with.
- Pivot: decide whether now is the time to share your view. If it is, ask gently: “Can I tell you how I see it?”
- Perspective: share your view as your own, with “I” statements and your own experience.
See it in action
The setup: You support Trump. Your adult son doesn't. He calls and says he's worried about where the country is headed. (An illustration, not real people.)
How it usually goes
Them: “Honestly, Mom, I'm really worried about where this country is headed.”
He's sharing a worry with you.
You: “You've been listening to your professors too much. Everything is fine.”
This dismisses his worry and takes a swipe at him. He'll stop sharing.
Them: “See, this is why I don't talk to you about this stuff.”
He pulls back. The call ends with both of you hurt.
How it could go
Them: “Honestly, Mom, I'm really worried about where this country is headed.”
The same starting point.
You: “Tell me more. What worries you most?”
Listen: you're trying to understand, not reload.
Them: “That people our age will never afford a house. And everyone's so angry all the time.”
Now you know what's really on his mind.
You: “I hear you. The anger worries me too. Can I tell you a bit about how I see it?”
Acknowledge and Pivot: you found common ground, then asked permission.
Them: “Sure.”
He agreed to hear you, so he's more likely to actually listen.
You: “For me, a lot of it comes down to feeling like our town got left behind. That's a big part of why I voted the way I did.”
Perspective: your own experience, in an “I” statement. Nothing he has to defend against.
Try it
Next time you want to share your view, ask first: “Can I tell you how I see it?” Notice how the other person responds.
These are conversation ideas, not therapy or professional advice. If a relationship involves threats, abuse, or fear for your safety, start here instead.