Before a visit
Should I go home for the holidays? (And how to leave early)
You can love your family and still dread the drive over. Going, staying home, and going for a little while are all real options. Here's how to pick one you can live with, and how to make it work.
If you're afraid of how someone will act, or past visits have involved threats or abuse, staying away is a reasonable choice, not a failure. When to step back →
Questions to ask yourself
No answer fits everyone. A short visit you can handle is often better than a long one you dread, or a skipped one you regret.
- When I picture the day, what am I most worried about: one person, one topic, or the whole room?
- Have past visits been tense but okay, or did someone leave hurt?
- Would going for part of the day feel better than all or nothing?
- Who will be there that I'd be glad to see?
- How will I feel the morning after if I go? And if I don't?
If you go, plan the way out first
- Decide when you'll leave before you arrive, and say it early, so leaving later isn't a surprise.
- Drive yourself, or know how you're getting home, so leaving doesn't depend on anyone else.
- Have a reason ready that's true and about you, like an early morning or a long drive.
- Pick one person you can quietly check in with, and a small signal that means "I need a break."
- Step outside for some air before you reach your limit, not after.
Words you can use
Setting the time when you arrive
“It's so good to see everyone. Just so you know, I'll need to head out around four, so I want to make the most of it.”
When it's time to go
“This was really nice. I'm going to head out before I get too tired. Thanks for having me.”
Leaving after a tense moment
“I'm going to call it a night. It's not about anyone. I just want to leave on a good note.”
If you don't go, say no kindly
A no lands easier when it's short, warm, and doesn't argue. You don't owe a long explanation. If you can, offer something else, so it's clear you're saying no to the day, not to them.
Words you can use
A warm no
“I'm not going to make it this year, and I'll miss you. Could we find a time to get together, just us, after the holiday?”
If they ask why
“Things have felt tense lately, and I'd rather see you when we can really enjoy each other. That's the part I care about.”
A message on the day
“Thinking of you all today. I hope the food is great and the day is easy. Love you.”
The in-between options
- Come for the meal or for dessert, instead of the whole day.
- Stay at a hotel or a friend's place instead of the guest room.
- Host a smaller get-together of your own on another day.
- Join on a video call for a few minutes while everyone's together.
The morning after
However it went, a short message the next day keeps the door open. If you left early, thank them for having you. If you stayed home, send a photo or a favorite memory. Either way, leave the news out of it.
Where to next
- 01Graceful ways outThirty-second help, with three exit lines you can use mid-conversation.
- 02When the holiday table has blown up beforeA full plan for a gathering that's gone badly in the past.
- 03Send an olive branchWarm messages for before a visit, or the morning after one.
- 04The Thanksgiving guideA night-before checklist, holiday plans, and a host kit.
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